Making peace with me
Realizing OCD held my life together, until it didn't
I had a meltdown a few weeks ago. Multiple dynamics scrambled my brain and I lost my shit. A while later, I sat down to reflect on it all and the following thought surfaced. It shimmered a bit, which is my cue to pay attention. This is true on a deep level.
OCD made my life work.
The more I untangle obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), the more I notice my ADHD without its coping mechanisms. It’s the worst. At times, I am so scattered in every sense of the word. OCD held it all together.
It sure felt like my life was working back in the day before I knew about OCD. I had a full-time job, was married, and had two kids. Publicly, people affirmed me in my work, so my ego felt good. As long as I kept moving and didn’t get too quiet, everything was okay. I didn’t know on a conscious level that I was outrunning something. There were very specific things I had to keep doing to hold my life together. So as long as I didn’t question it, everything “worked.”
But it felt pretty terrible inside.
It wasn’t until I stepped away and got quiet and faced immense challenge that I chose to be more honest with myself. In some ways it felt like a forced honesty. I could probably have chosen to ignore it and deny it even longer, but there’s something about losing your little brother that forces a choice. Because either way, life is suddenly irreversibly different. So was I.
Even in the midst of all this reality, my body had a sense that everything was working. Because it had been worse before. This season was genuinely better than before. I was not yet aware of deeper threads in my conscious awareness.
I had zero idea that what I thought was fine was still needlessly harming me.
There are seasons to pay attention and ruthlessly question and take risks and pull a big thread.
There are seasons to rest as our bodies and minds process and live into what we now see is true.
Then there are seasons to pull another big thread.
Once I started pulling the thread on OCD, it split into 59 different threads. Honestly, I’m still unraveling big knots. Places in my life I assumed were just run of the mill anxiety are still turning out to be OCD loops.
One thing that makes OCD so frustrating and debilitating is how it links up my nervous system with intrusive thoughts and relief. It is a dangerously addictive cycle.
I made the choice to dive into nervous system regulation work in 2021, when my stress levels were at an all-time high. I had to try something new. The more I learned, the more excited I got. Understanding this world inside my body brought compassion, regulation skills, and agency because it turns out I wasn’t always at the mercy of the environment around me. Yes, sensory realities are real, especially for autistic people. But I learned how to create space within myself to better tolerate the inner chaos. I’m still working on this. It’s a daily practice.
Intrusive thoughts
As I explored my nervous system and found more capacity, I also started to notice the patterns of intrusive thoughts more vividly.
Every human on the planet has intrusive thoughts. Random weird thoughts that pop into our brain for absolutely no reason. What if I drop this baby? What if I drive this car off the road and hurt somebody?
I have intrusive thoughts that don’t bother me. They pop in and they leave. No drama.
But OCD links some of these thoughts with strong nervous system reactions. Think about the last time your body was in fight or flight. All that cortisol racing around your body. Maybe you felt shaky or tense. There was an almost unavoidable need to fight or escape.
OCD is masterful at triggering those sensations connected to a random intrusive thought. It’s typically attached to things that matter the most to me. It’s the worst.
Someone might tell me, “Jenny, this situation is not a big deal. Here’s reality.” That is NOT what’s happening inside my body. My body is giving me the exact opposite story and it is very powerful for people who are already wired a bit anxious. Who do you think I’m going to believe? Not the person who is calmly standing there telling me to chill out. My evolutionary body is screaming, “Danger!” Without awareness & OCD treatment, it feels impossible to ignore my disintegrating body.
As if that hell isn’t enough, intrusive thoughts are typically ego dystonic. They go completely against our values, actions, and true desires. Which makes our fearful brain hook in immediately.
What if I harm a loved one? What if I steal from someone I care about?
Our good friends over at NOCD put it this way: “Many people have ego-dystonic thoughts, but immediately recognize them as untrue, and move on with their day. OCD is where you may have recurring, repetitive thoughts that are almost always ego-dystonic—ones that you feel unable to move on from.” Yup.
So the thoughts create terror in our bodies. AND they’re upsetting thoughts to our values and identity. It feels SO true. Which is scary.
Cue the relief.
It makes sense that we’re going to look for a way to escape this mental pressure cooker. Maybe someone will check to make sure their baby is really okay. And again. And again. And again.
Someone might say a certain prayer. Many times a day. There’s a sense of relief and their brain loves that.
Someone might seek reassurance from the internet, a friend, the mirror, or a stranger that everything is really okay. Over and over and over.
Someone might avoid situations so they don’t have to deal with the high anxiety. The avoidance turns into a phobia.
Someone might wash their hands or count in patterns or type a sentence over and over and over until it feels just right.
It’s the mental ones
Until a year or so ago, I never knew OCD included mental compulsions and rituals. I thought it was the classic ones like washing hands and putting things in order. It’s much more expansive than just those. The more I observed my daily life, the more I saw mental compulsions and rituals everywhere. I had labeled it anxiety and thought it was just part of life.
But it kept me stuck in many important areas of my life. And because many of my rituals were mental, no one around me could tell unless I said out loud what I was doing. Which was rare. I saw my suffering up close as I shone a light on automatic patterns that preferred to be tucked away from view.
By the way — it turns out neurodivergent folk are especially susceptible to OCD jumping on board.
In the autism realm, we’re more likely to experience OCD than the general population. According to a 2015 study, autistics are twice as likely to be diagnosed with OCD later in life than those who aren’t autistic. Another study found that 17% of autistic people also have OCD, compared to a rate of 1.6% in the general population.
So yes, I thought OCD made my life work. It held everything together. But I was miserable.
Now? As I engage OCD treatment and slowly break free from long-held rituals and compulsions, what’s underneath is awkward to face. I’m more scattered, chaotic, and unorganized than I’ve thought. Sitting with this reality is uncomfortable. I don’t like it.
But it’s real. And it’s true.
And there’s something beautiful about staring at the mess of life and cultivating compassion and love for it all. It’s my mess. It’s ME.
Alongside all the tough stuff is another equally true reality. I have more capacity, inner support, practices, and awareness to hold the complexity. It takes intention and daily work. Some days I wish it was easier. But the alternative of going backwards is no longer a possibility. Love is calling my name and I’m stepping toward her.
I’ve worked so hard my entire life to gain control of the chaos. It’s one of my core fears and wounds from a very young age.
But I’m tired.
I’m tired of all the work it’s taken to hold my life together. OCD treatment is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. But it’s working.
So I continue to make peace with me.
Each thread I pull shows me another place I get to make peace with me.
Thanks for traveling with me on this little jaunt inside OCD. It’s a place I live and it’s healing to take you along for a glimpse inside. It helps me feel a little more alive and connected to myself and each of you. It’s really okay to explore this tough stuff inside. It won’t kill us. It might just save us.
If any of this resonates and you want to explore OCD, here are a few beautiful places to start:
Jenna Overbaugh’s work is incredible. I’m working through her big course as my OCD treatment plan and it works.
NOCD offers virtual treatment and is covered by most insurance. They diagnosed me and I did a few sessions with a therapist to get started.
I love these IG accounts that share solid encouragement & information on OCD: @revkrunsbeyondocd @christinacounsels @zach_westerbeck
This was so well put. Thank you for sharing! May love and understanding prevail among all people. ❤️
I see you as a highly self aware human. One of the best gifts in community is to allow for mindful self aware work that is ever evolving in love. The way you bring your inner struggles to the public sphere is artistic and honest. May strong supports of love continue and always be at your back blessing you and those you serve.