Watching my brother fall in love is healing me
Maybe love after death is the best kind of love
I walked an Oregon coast beach today, a few feet behind my little brother and his girlfriend. Hand in hand, they grinned at each other, and held on tight. Earlier, I saw her look into his eyes, put a soft hand on his cheek, and smile.
He beamed.
There’s something so profoundly healing watching my brother be loved after seeing him lose his best friend.
It’s as if each little kiss on his cheek is life whispering his direction, “Love’s still here."
Each hug is life grinning at him and saying, “You thought it was over. But Love is never done. Ever.”
I was not prepared for the healing and the grief of all this.
Lindsey never met Jeremy. Everything she knows about Ryan’s person she’s learning through Ryan. Through the videos we show her on our phones. Through the funny stories we tell in the car. Through our stories of Jeremy’s spirit living on in Ryan.
Picking up my laptop and setting in front of Lindsey, I showed her a few videos of Ryan and Jeremy as little kids. To see her care so deeply for this part of Ryan’s life healed something in me. It’s like she’s seeing who we used to be. She sees us now and still wants to get to know us. Even without Jeremy. It’s all so beautiful and heartbreaking.
A few weeks ago, I wrapped up a great phone call with Ryan as I walked down the cereal aisle at WinCo. My whole body grinned. It was obvious my brother was falling in love. As I went through the rest of the day, I noticed my body getting tight and angry and sad. Carving out some quiet space later to listen to my body, she told me loud and clear how she felt that day:
“Jeremy should be here for this!”
I felt all the way into that real emotion. My body shook with anger as I raged at my dead brother. I cannot believe you’re missing this! You should be here! It’s not fair that Ryan’s so happy and you’re still gone!
Suspending logic, my grief had its moment. Things settled down a few minutes later. Placing my hand on my heart and breathing deeply, I made sure that grief felt seen and believed. My body relaxed into a neutral space. I’m so grateful for somatic experiencing giving me the tools to support my nervous system as I navigate daily life. So grateful.
Watching my brother fall in love reminds me of the rhythm of death and new life we talk about around here. People can spout stories of new life forever but honestly? It sounds like spiritual bypassing to me, unless you’ve actually been through a terrible thing and come out the other side. Until you’ve faced a loss of some kind and limped, screamed, and fought your way through it, I don’t want to hear your platitudes about new life.
Maybe love after death is the kind of love we need most.
When we’ve lost something or someone and come to an end of ourselves, we think we’re going to die too. It sure feels like death. An end. Everything is broken. Pain swallows up the hope.
And.
Love does something in that exact moment that we can never orchestrate on our own.
We crack open and love gets to work.
We admit we need help and love gets to work.
We take that terrifying first step and love gets to work.
We decide to take up the space that’s ours and love gets to work.
We let go and love gets to work.
Maybe love after death is the kind of love we need most.
Love always grows and expands to fill the space in front of it. It’s what Love knows to do. As we inch toward the second anniversary of my brother’s passing, I’m watching Love expand into any of the space we offer up. Whether it’s saying yes to a new relationship or a new job or exploring a deep wound we carry, Love holds us as we get out a flashlight to feel our way forward.
Who knows what the future holds for Lindsey and Ryan. All I know is what’s true right now — Lindsey’s love is healing Ryan a bit more. And it’s healing the heart of a big sister who didn’t know if her little brother could be this happy again. It’s healing a family who gets to tell the story of their person to a new friend. Almost as if love recognizes love. As if Jeremy is loving us through Lindsey.
Love is creative.
Love is enduring.
Love is courageous.
Love is kind.
Love heals.
May it be so.
Blessed to be loved and love. Thankful for you.