Unraveling fear + writing about new things -- There are 76 drafts in a folder on this Substack account from the past year or two. Seventy-six times I’ve opened a new empty screen with an inkling of a thought and then abandoned it because some voice whispered in my ear, “You can’t publish this. What will they think? This is terrible. Who do you think you are?”I believed the voice every single time. Shame and fear are palpable dictators.
"It’s jarring that the thing bringing me all kinds of peace and joy is equally the thing people don’t understand and in some ways, actively deny." Yes, oh sadly yes.
This post resonates with me so deeply. Especially worrying how this different, authentic, autistic version of myself will be received by friends who expect me to act in the usual ways.
I'm looking forward to reading those other posts of yours, when you're ready.
Jen- I'm looking forward to the other 75 drafts. There is gold in those files that you need to mine. I understand that it is hard to not hear voices from the past. I hope voices from the here and now and what's to come will help you overcome the hesitancy.
But, Dear Jenny, you are who we always thought you were. You haven't changed, your heart is as it was prediagnosis. The biggest change is the knowledge, the title, with whatever comes with it, and it impacts you the most. I still see, and read, Jenny, the wonderful, compassionate, open, intelligent person who is bold enough to say what she thinks. You still have the skills, strength, hopes and dreams. Your writing is still a gift, perhaps more so as you follow this new post-diagnosis road. I learn something with every reading.A couple of days ago I learned that I can still really cry, ugly cry, I thought that was gone after so many years of it, but no, it was waiting for the connection to be made with one of your poems. Thank you for that.
It's a wild ride to make sense of the skill building from "before" with the reality of all it cost me behind the scenes. Then to reconcile that with what is still true today, even as I make all kinds of adjustments to accommodate and support. Thank you for your kind words.
"It’s jarring that the thing bringing me all kinds of peace and joy is equally the thing people don’t understand and in some ways, actively deny." Yes, oh sadly yes.
This post resonates with me so deeply. Especially worrying how this different, authentic, autistic version of myself will be received by friends who expect me to act in the usual ways.
I'm looking forward to reading those other posts of yours, when you're ready.
Thank you so very much. :)
Jen- I'm looking forward to the other 75 drafts. There is gold in those files that you need to mine. I understand that it is hard to not hear voices from the past. I hope voices from the here and now and what's to come will help you overcome the hesitancy.
But, Dear Jenny, you are who we always thought you were. You haven't changed, your heart is as it was prediagnosis. The biggest change is the knowledge, the title, with whatever comes with it, and it impacts you the most. I still see, and read, Jenny, the wonderful, compassionate, open, intelligent person who is bold enough to say what she thinks. You still have the skills, strength, hopes and dreams. Your writing is still a gift, perhaps more so as you follow this new post-diagnosis road. I learn something with every reading.A couple of days ago I learned that I can still really cry, ugly cry, I thought that was gone after so many years of it, but no, it was waiting for the connection to be made with one of your poems. Thank you for that.
It's a wild ride to make sense of the skill building from "before" with the reality of all it cost me behind the scenes. Then to reconcile that with what is still true today, even as I make all kinds of adjustments to accommodate and support. Thank you for your kind words.