I turn 42 next week
Conversations with our future self
A few years back, I started a practice of talking and listening with my future self. After years of learning to listen to my younger self, I realized there was more to learn from my future evolutions.
It’s weird at first. Can we really do this? Aren’t we just making up words in our mind?
My therapist reminded me yesterday how to know when our True Self is speaking instead of our triggered/upset/activated parts. I’ve always imagined my True Self to be my wisest, most grounded self. She loves to encourage me with what’s most true. And when I make room for her to speak, wow, does she gently, but firmly make it known.
During a particularly challenging season, I asked my future self what she knew was possible around what was unfolding. Should I make this choice or that one? We talked about the fear gripping my entire being. I told her everything, as tears washed down my cheeks.
My body exhaled with relief, tired of holding it all inside.
Thoughts stilled.
Tears dried.
Soft smile.
She was ready to speak, because I was finally ready to listen.
But to my surprise, she didn’t have words. She just grinned and rubbed her hands together with pure delight and giddiness.
I laughed out loud. Seriously? That’s the deepest wisdom and truth you’ve got for me?
But it’s exactly what I needed.
It felt like my future self wrapped me up in a genuine hug and told me it would be okay. Keep going. Keep pulling these threads. You’re going somewhere beautiful. This really isn’t the end of the story.
And I believed her.
I turn 42 next week. It occurs to me that I’m embodying my future self now. I look back on that wild season with deep gratitude for the struggle to find me. The confusion and searing pain. The absolute battle to pull myself out of the quicksand that threatened to swallow me up.
What a gift to build that kind of trust with my deepest self.
Some days I wonder what my 56-year-old self and my 87-year-old self would tell me. I hope I get to meet them.
I drove home from work the other day with tears again streaming down my cheeks. But these were not tears of desperation and pain. They felt like tears of relief and gratitude. Every part of my past story formed me so I could live in this chapter of being me.
Future me loved me to this place.
Like a slideshow, my mind cycled through lessons learned in each season. The grief and gratitude collided. I feel fully alive now because of those really hard seasons.
My body shimmered with gratitude as my van pulled into our driveway.
Here’s to knowing we’ve got more internal resources than we often realize that stand ready to listen, love, and walk with us.
To realizing there is a Love that holds us as we journey through deeply challenging seasons.
To trusting all the information our bodies give us. They have a wisdom we can never think our way to.
To believing our pain. It’s trying to tell us something.
To pausing and looking back to see the steps we’ve taken and how they’ve delivered us to this moment.
To expectantly leaning into the future with curiosity and hope.
The best is yet to come. Always.
Books
We’ve enjoyed family time in Ohio hiking in the Hocking Hills, visiting waterfalls in Oregon and we got to see Caitlin Clark play basketball in Seattle!
Pastor Jenny, this is such a beautiful message. Thank you for being so open! I hope you have a marvelous birthday and celebrate!
Thank you this post! It was a good reminder to me today!!!❤️