I didn't fix my face yesterday
A beautiful awkward step of growth for late-diagnosed autistics
i noticed a weird thing yesterday
i’m not fixing my face
like i used to
i know all the rules
the social agreement
we all sign when we’re young
soft gaze
expressive face
eye contact
smile
vocal resonance
turning toward you
sharing touch
but yesterday i was
too tired to fix my face
i didn’t smile when i knew
that’s what you expected
i didn’t make my voice
do that thing that helps you
understand my vibe
i let my eyes wander
where they wanted
and they didn’t connect
with your eyes like normal
i didn’t fix my posture
so it looked like i was
engaged and present
to you — i may have looked distant
uninterested
disengaged
bored
but my body experienced
a freaking miracle
it felt calm and relaxed inside
no forcing and fixing
no scanning faces and bodies
for the “right” way to be
it felt like me
Growing up, that was always the scariest thing...fear that the world wouldn't like me, make fun of me, reject me. Now I'm old. I can't say that I have no fear of being unliked, but I like to test the water because facing the fear of rejection makes me feel brave and adventurous and is if I'm on the path to being grown up!
I think if make up or any adornment takes away from being "you" shed it. If it's fun, a way of art and expression from inside out do it without giving a hoot what others think. Thanks for being you!!