How grief rearranges a life
Joining the power block
One day, when I was seven or eight, I applied for the position of third parent in my household. Turns out, I was the only one who wanted the job so I sailed through the interview process and landed the coveted position.
Taking my duties seriously, I reminded my three younger siblings when it was time to put toys away at bedtime. I ensured they followed directions, especially when they didn’t want to. I lorded my power over them with hands on hips, shocked they didn’t respond to me as their new manager.
I heard the snickers and saw the eye rolls as we grew up. They said I was bossy. But the job description I never got said I needed to be responsible, loyal, and dedicated. I thought I was that and more. The pay was terrible but my managers rewarded me with smiles and my second grade heart soared.
To be clear, for reasons I understand because of hours on a therapy couch, no one asked me to apply for this job. But it met some needs in my young mind so I went all in. Being a third parent gave me a role I could understand. I chased the rewards and loved helping.
But as with most jobs, there’s always a downside.
I didn’t really know how to be a sister.
I tried. I’ve always been incredibly proud of my siblings. They’re doing amazing things in the world and I tried so hard to connect as an equal. But that job I loved so much as a kid created a dynamic in our family where I often felt closer to my parents than my siblings.
Which meant I wasn’t included in their little gang my parents came to call the Power Block.
I forget when and how this began, but their unsurprising identity as a group of three crushed my young adult heart. Because it was beyond obvious that I was not a member of the Power Block. It was them vs. the three parents. Which wasn’t a healthy spot for me to be, but well, every family has dysfunction if we look a little closer.
Fast forward a decade or two to the month after our youngest brother died. Now there are three of us instead of four in our text group. One day, my brother renames the group, “Power Block.”
I weep.
The 8-year-old in me finally belongs.
The 39-year-old in me hates why it is finally feels true.
Families shift after loss
It’s kind of terrible that loss changes so much beyond the person who died. We miss the human who was integrated into our life. We’re trying to wrap our minds around death and powerlessness. On top of those large assignments, the entire system we exist inside of changes too.
Family patterns shift. The person who died fulfilled certain roles that are now vacated. Will someone pick up that role? How does it feel when someone embodies that role differently?
We learned to grieve together and apart. Every other week, we gathered on a Sunday afternoon Zoom call for an hour to check in and share how we’re doing that week. We created new patterns for communication. If someone was having an extra hard moment, could they text a heart emoji to the family so someone could offer extra support? We shared the songs that made us think of him. We shared pictures of daily life moments that felt like a wink from him.
Losing a beloved invited our family to examine our existing relationships. Where do we want to strengthen connection? Are there things we need to say that we avoid? We have an intimate reminder these conversations may be stolen from us so we might as well do that work now. Every single relationship in our family entered into a new season of reflection and curiosity.
Grief rearranges everything. Whether we’re ready or not.
We could not continue as we were. It hurt too much. And yet, the shifts hurt too. But it felt like a good kind of hurt. The kind that makes you feel like it’s worth it. Like we’re honoring the love of our beloved instead of turning on each other.
The absence of our beloved rearranges the entire thing.
My dear reader — what about you?
How is grief rearranging your life?
Maybe it’s the loss of a loved one. Or life after pandemic. Or the loss of an ability or your health. Or a changing relationship. Maybe someone you love is getting older and you’re sad. Maybe challenging news headlines invite you to places of grief and rearrangement.
Grief is sneaky. She hides in places we don’t expect to see her.
What relationships are shifting? What new patterns are emerging? Is there a sense that it’s okay to allow those dynamics to change? Is there long-held pain that wants to be addressed?
Friends, this work is tough. But it’s worth it.
And in my experience so far, this life will keep evolving and shifting anyways, whether we’ve approved of the changes. So we might as well unclench our hands, take a deep breath, and choose to trust what’s unfolding in front of us.
The more we feel the grief, the more room there is for possibility, joy, and love.
May it be so.
P.S. I resigned my third parent job a while ago and I’m still learning how to be a sister. Turns out it’s a pretty sweet gig. We just get to love each other. In death and in life.
Still Here Out February 21
“I want to gift this book to everyone I know. Jenny writes with such precision and poignancy; her words are a balm to my soul.” — Tiffany Baker
”After reading the first two poems, there were several times I found myself becoming very efficient with chores typically avoided. When I did return to these sacred poems and drawings, I felt the broken places in my soul and then closer to being at rest. Thank you, Jenny, for these simple, honest words and pictures. You speak the language of the heart, and it's bringing my soul relief.” — Debbie Tantrum
Coming Up
Want to hang out in Cincinnati later this month? Visit here for details & registration.
I’d love to see you!
March 8, 2023
Stanwood UMC
A Conversation on Grief
Stanwood, Washington
March 12, 2023
First United Methodist Church of Salem
Salem, Oregon
March 16, 2023
Area United Methodist Churches
Spirituality & The Arts: Grief, Poetry & Creative Practice
Hosted by West Central Abbey
Spokane, Washington
March 19, 2023
First Seattle UMC
A Conversation on Grief
Seattle, Washington
March 26, 2023
Everett Unity Church
A Conversation on Grief
Everett, Washington
April 17-19, 2023
Michigan UMC Pastor’s Retreat
Palms Up: A Rhythm To Hold Your Life
Lake Louise Christian Camp
April 21-22, 2023
Hilliard UMC Retreat on Grief
Columbus, Ohio
April 30, 2023
Everett Unity Church
Everett, Washington
May 7, 2023
Faith Lutheran Church
Smokey Point, Washington
May 13-14, 2023
Bend UMC
Generational Intelligence Retreat
Bend, Oregon
May 21, 2023
Cedarcross UMC
Millcreek, Washington
June 25, 2023
Everett Unity Church
Everett, Washington
July 26-27, 2023
Youth 2023 National Gathering
Daytona Beach, Florida
August 27, 2023
Everett Unity Church
Everett, Washington
October 13-15, 2023
St. John UMC Women’s Retreat
Girdwood, Alaska
Planning an event or gathering for this fall?
Let’s work together!